A Page taken from the Diary of her Life....

I am stuck today. Yes stuck for almost an hour, not knowing where to start from…apologies has always been difficult for me. I am sitting here today with an empty sheet in front of me…intending to write something …

I was never really good at saying “Sorry”. However you are the one to be blamed honestly. Like everytime I said something or did something wrong to blew it up, you were always there to take the blame. Everytime I wanted to let go, you said you needed me…Did you really?? Ever? or was it that you realized I needed you more to feel needed? Everytime I got scared and wanted to run away, you ran after me telling me You couldn’t go on if I left…and I stayed back not understanding you knew it was the other way round, you knew how much I desired to be wanted.
So Wasn’t it your fault?? You never made me realize how life could be without you, after you. You were just always there whenever I needed. I was just so sure it was gonna be that way….that you would be always just a call away, a touch away, a hug away…it was meant to be that way…..forever. Until that day when you started walking away…and I stood there not knowing what to do…I have never seen that side before…..I never imagined it coming….Was I to stand there and wait?? Walk away just the way you did?? Or run after you?? I never knew.
But No, I am not blaming you this time like always. I want to apologize for things that I never said…may be its too late, you wont even read…just crumple the sheet and throw it away…but lets make a try….lets make an attempt start afresh…
Do you remember that friend of yours, the one I said was “cute”, honestly it was never that way…I just wanted to get you cooked. I never intended to get you insecure that was just a little joke, I am so sorry for giving rise to your fears….my mistake might be I loved the possessive you. I don’t look at guys anymore…the guilt pangs are too hard to bear…I feel more like a whore…and if I promise to never make you feel that way, would you forgive me for my mischievous ways??
Do you remember all those times you wanted to meet, and I said I was busy with my friends….I never knew you waited for me to realize and call back to fix up a meeting in seconds. I am sorry, for knowing what you wanted but never giving enough importance. I don’t have friends anymore, nor go for hang-outs….. I wait by the phone hoping….praying at times what if you decide for a sudden night-out….and If I promise to be by you every breathing second, can we go out for that walk you recommend?
Do you remember all those fights and endless hang-ups…it was always me…the bad-tempered…the righteous- yet somehow I knew it would be okay, that you would definitely come up. I never intended to waste seconds on ego…I just kept checking if you cared. I am sorry I never knew it was you getting hurt. I don’t fight these days, keep silent on attacks…and If I promise to never hang up on you again, would you try making it from the beginning??
Do you remember all those times, all those nights when you wanted to talk and I wanted to sleep? I remember the voice with which you threatened me never to call up again if I dare to sleep off, and I hung up with smiles knowing next morning its gonna be the same voice waking me up…it did always. I feel sorry for myself for all those lost times in which we could have talked. I am so sorry for not knowing the time was running out. I cant sleep at night anymore now…with the fear of losing out on your call if you decide to make one in weakness of seconds. If I promise not to fall asleep will you consider me again??
I remember all those times I made you cry but there are sides you don’t know, that later I cried harder. I know I said things, did things that I never meant to…and I am sorry for making you feel the way it used to, and If I promise to hold on to you like never before would you please come back? Just for me, once again?
I have seen the life without you, in one word it doesn’t work. So I know the moves this time, I know what went wrong last time. And I would chase you like never before only you have to run…and I would hold you back if ever the time comes. And this time I am gonna show you what you mean to me, what’s your worth…I wont stand there like the last time I did….I am gonna fight for you with all I got.
So I sit here today with a filled up sheet, unaware if I have phrased it right to make sense…there is too much to say to you but words just fall less. I wanted you to know that this time things are gonna be different, and if given just one more chance We can make “US” happen.
**************************
I knew it’s a waste now…and it doesn’t make any sense, I know you are gone forever and things are never ever gonna be the same. Yet I write these letters make believing what if you read them some day, would you shed a tear or two or just look away??

Her treasured memories......

It has been a year or may be more…and they said she would get used to, that thinking about him for more than minutes won’t make those cheeks wet anymore…those smiles would be real…that dancing would be easier… She doesn’t understand much these days, nor does she cares to realize, but there are parts that she misses, parts that she never thought would be important….parts which she forgot to thank him for….’little moments that made US’- she said me one day! Here’s taking an attempt to jot them down…reliving them again through her memories, through their memories!

She had always been those bed worms…rolling around the bed till late in the morning, except for when the exams stared at her face. The cold December waves did their job, as the winds circled into her hostel room through the ill ventilated windows and door creaks. The monotonous alarm tone did it’s job…. she lay awake at 6.30a.m…staring at the empty spaces above. Turning sideways she turned down the alarm and took the cell phone in her hands….there was something in the way she gazed into the screen, something that made those sleepy eyes turn sad, something that showed the gap between her past and present. It wasn’t the first time the memories started her day….wasn’t gonna be the last time either. Reality slapped her harder on the face where the cold winds striked…she stood in the balcony…..helpless, hugging herself with both hands….her cheeks hurt with cold…more with the numbness of the tears…..she closed her eyes and dreamt away……

Winter mornings were not always like this, they usually started the same way…with the cell phone ringing ..but never alarm, HE called up…right at 6.30a.m-

“mmmmmm”

“hmmmmm, uth jao”

“paanch minute”

“utho”

“pleeasssseeee”

“abhiiii”

“………….nah!!”

“5 ghante mai exam hai, 4 chapters baki hai”

“toh?”

“toh kuch nahi, exam bura dogi, fail karogi, phir mere hi paas ake royogi”

“toh??”

“toh kuch nahi under-graduate reh jayogi”

“toh??”

“toh job nahi milega”

“toh???”

“toh illiterate and under-graduate is not a good combination”

“works for you kya??”

“as long as it’s you, anything works for me”

**silence**

“phir se so gayi”

“….nahi”

“toh??”

“nothing…..”

“bolo bhi”

“ u meant it??”

“every word”

“always??”

“beyond that”

“promise?”

“cross my heart and hope to die”

“you made my day”

“you made my life”

“ohkaaayyyyyyy!! I am totally awake now”

**laughs**

“chalo then, m off to study….cya”

“suno toh…”

“ha”

“will call you 5 minutes to exam, kal pehle hi cell phone switch off kar di thi..”

“oh ha!! Sorry”

“anyways, best of luck and…..”

“and….??”

“phir se so mat jana”

“hmmmmmm”

“bye”

“bye.”

(pause)

“……rakha nahi tumne phone”

“I called up, you wanted to study…you disconnect”

“love you”

“finalllllyyyy!! Love you too”

This was one of the many conversations she told me about…, one of the many things she misses….one of the many things that still hurts. She was always a good student, topping and giggling through classes which distributed exam sheets…as I passed her nasty looks- the lengths to which that over-confident brat irritated me. I remember telling her to talk low over the phone as she screamed with enthusiasm providing him with every single detail- by how many marks she beat whom ,and which bitch was shown their original place by her…I remember tagging her as ‘selfish’..that was before I knew how badly she wanted the scores.

I heard of the Skater Boy from Avril Lavigne, she was the Skater Girl…who slogged to match up to the standards of her IIT’ian guy. I almost died laughing the day she told me,

“arey padhna zaruri hai yaar, job nahi mila toh uska haath kaise mangungi”

“do you realize, tum ladki ho…tum haath nahi mang sakti?? He packs big grands from that MNC upar se bahar rehta hai, haath who mangega pagal”

“Nahi yaar, you don’t realize…He has proved his worth, I should prove that I deserve him, nahi??? Soch mai BMW 7 series se uthrungi, Manish Malhotra ki saree pehenke, aur uske papa ke paas jayungi and bolungi, Sir…. I don’t know if I am worth your son or not, but I promise I would keep him the happiest….so would you help me to marry him???”.

I awwwwwed and ooohhhed at her awesome speech……..such unrealistic she was!! Yet beyond the laughter’s we shared, I realised how much she wanted him….and more than that her insecurity of being worth him.

She off course still scores… and I search in vain the giggling part of her…she misses the ‘sharing part with him’…she never said, I felt.

She was a weird combination of temper and sensitiveness. I liked it- a little thing out of place and there she went hyper…a little word misspoken- the puppy eyes went teary and the solution to all- ‘HIM’. I found it cute the way she shared the most tiniest of things with him, I felt jealous for not having any particular ‘him’ in my life for sharing such simplicities. I could hear sides of the conversation-

‘hello’

‘kuch nahi hua hai’

‘bola na, kuch nahi’

‘aise hi baat karni thi’

‘mai ro nahi rahi hu’

‘mai nahi ro rahi hu’

And then she went all teary ‘why do I have to be here?? Why cant I be there with you? Mujhe nahi rehna yaha ‘

‘Take me away from here, abhiiiiii…yaha ke log bahot gande hai….” Blah blah and the conversation went…..

I sat next to her and watch the tears turns into smile, the pink nose get back to the fair skin tone….as she disconnected the call telling me ‘chal sale ko dekhte hai’

It was just the other day, some of those bastards she calls friends told her something…I turned to shout at them, but she held me. I walked with her in silence to the nearest desolate place. She took out her cell phone and scrolled through the phone-book, I was unsure, she wasn’t…as the names went down I saw the water trickling down faster, I held her hand which she scoffed in nano-seconds. I never knew she actually kept his previous number alive paying the bills- obviously it had this personalized voice message, kept just for her, “Hey, its me!! I know you need me now and I am right there, just leave a message, and I promise to get by you…soon”. And as I sat awestruck, she did the unthinkable….She had a conversation in a silent voice mail box, the same one I have heard before. I am hardly what you can call sensitive, but if I was….I would have shed a tear or two. I just sat there and watch her cry….helplessly!!

I gathered she must have done this more often over the years, every time some piece of shit tried pulling her a bit down, later she told me, “It’s on days like this, I miss him the most, I miss the concern, I miss the hugs, I miss the snuggle, I miss him… I miss US”…I silently patted her back.

Every girl loves chocolates, she likes coffee more  (no wonder, meri dost hai  ). It was one of those days when instead of having the coffee she kept staring at it. I gave one of those encouraging smiles, as I knew the same as she was thinking. He used to stay outside the country for maximum parts of the year, further with she coming to a new city to study, it was rarely that they met. I found this one real cute when she told me. Apparently it once happened that when he called up from Exetor, U.K. she was busy attending to a cup of coffee-

“Hmmmmm, suno na thodi der baad call karo”

“hadh hai!! I am making an international call, do u realize?”

“Arey I know na baba, that’s why I am saying…”

“Saying what?”

“I am making coffee, I cant talk now”

“I want to have it”

“So have it”

“With you”

“not possible”

“will catch u in a minute”

“suno toh”

**Disconnected**

He texted in between and asked her not to have the coffee, till he calls up, she waited.

Finally the call came in 10 minutes….

“meri coffee thandi ho gayi”

“meri garam hai”

“matlab??”

“matlab, switch on your web cam, we are having a COFFEE DATE!!”

And 5 minutes to that, two fb status claimed “Coffee’s never tasted better  “

I heard they have had loads of coffee and movie dates like this. It makes me wonder, they say long distance relationships are tough, it was through them I saw a new dimension of madness, “mad and made for each-other” or were they really???

I remember these one’s in particular, cause I saw those eyes turning from twinkles to hollow, I heard the excitement in her voice but never missed the lump in her throat….I just looked into her, passed a wry smile to say “it will pass”. That’s the best I could do.

I have seen her through the years, retrieving from worst to the worse. She thinks she is weak, but that’s the strongest I have seen. Putting up that perfect dress with a bright face, laughing at those jokes, going out for movies, attending parties, as much as anniversaries…even ironically rumors of her new crushes- she makes up the perfect disguise, except for those eyes. They think she has moved on, may be in life- away from herself, from what she was- but definitely not from him. Most of her day goes good…except for the parts when those things happen, those little moments revive…. When she slips between the sheets in the wee hours of night turning her back to me….pretending to sleep…as I sense the muffled sobs. replaying through her brain every minute details and wondering where it went wrong…..or what were those words she misunderstood, finally convincing her way to sleep make-believing that someday she’s gonna wake up to find him waiting at her door. The Acceptance awaits…

Disaster in scruffy looks !

I am anxious. Either there is something wrong with me or something wrong with the women out there. Suddenly everywhere I see there are guys who are dressed scruffily and have uncombed hair and unshaved faces. Is that sexy? Not to me. I walked out of a theatre showing Ishaqzaade in a daze. Is this the new idea of a leading man? Is this what girls are falling in love with? Or are filmmakers way off? Don't get me wrong, my idea of a perfect man isn't someone who just steps out of a salon, with crisp ironed clothes, gelled hair, manicured nails and smelling of  Drakkar Noir. Far from it. I detest that guy. I do have a weakness for men in suits but I would settle for a guy who looks like he at least bathed before he left home. I never want to date a guy for whom I would be tempted to buy gifts like a hairbrush and a razor. Stubble is sexy.  But it’s the sixth day’s shadow that worries me. What girl in her right mind would like to be with a guy who looks like an escaped convict? Well, maybe for one night of prison fantasy, but then he’d have to wear the uniform too, eventually. It’s also troubling that Hindi film heroes are characters who don’t have real jobs. Call me Material Girl, but there’s nothing attractive about a guy who makes a living by being a con artiste (Ranveer Singh in Ladies vs. Ricky Bahl) or a local goon (Arjun Kapoor in Ishaqzaade) or even a gun dealer (Emraan Hashmi in Jannat 2). What happened to the good old 9-to-5 guy? No one likes him anymore? Are our filmmakers taking the bad boy attraction too far? I keep worrying that one of my sane girlfriends is going to end up with a bum. I hope girls today are smart enough to tell the difference between what’s sexy on screen, and off it.

Something from the heart………..

Yes.. !! Yes.. !! I am scared to lose people specially the dear ones around me.  May be that is the reason why I wanted to keep people around me happy.

I know I have a problem to express what I feel.. I am not that expressive sort… I always have that fear inside me about what the person will think or feel if I say something.

I know I make mistakes, so as everyone does. I am not a perfect person under the sun and never claim to be one. If someone is sad or angry with me then it must be something to do with me.

As much as I know how to say sorry, I just can’t get myself to say sorry. I don’t know how to do it.

I can’t hug an old friend and say ‘come back to me.. I miss you’. I don’t know the way of saying sorry.

But I feel sometimes this problem has a fair side as well.  Even if I love someone (no matter what relationship we share) I believe rather than telling the person every now and then that I love you, I would prefer to show my love. It’s better to show it rather than saying it.

Why there is a need to tell someone that how much I love or actually I love that person? If I love someone I don’t need to justify it or intensify it. “Mein Tumse Mohabbat Karta huin” agar karte ho toh kehne ki zarurat nahi hai, lekin agar kehne ki zarurat padh jaye fir mohabbat nahi reheti….

I know few people might hate me for what I believe but people who will understand I know they will have some different opinion about me… atleast they will take a bit of trouble to stay with the “insane” me !! J
P.S : Special words by special person.