It has been a year or may be more…and they said she would get used to, that thinking about him for more than minutes won’t make those cheeks wet anymore…those smiles would be real…that dancing would be easier… She doesn’t understand much these days, nor does she cares to realize, but there are parts that she misses, parts that she never thought would be important….parts which she forgot to thank him for….’little moments that made US’- she said me one day! Here’s taking an attempt to jot them down…reliving them again through her memories, through their memories!
She had always been those bed worms…rolling around the bed till late in the morning, except for when the exams stared at her face. The cold December waves did their job, as the winds circled into her hostel room through the ill ventilated windows and door creaks. The monotonous alarm tone did it’s job…. she lay awake at 6.30a.m…staring at the empty spaces above. Turning sideways she turned down the alarm and took the cell phone in her hands….there was something in the way she gazed into the screen, something that made those sleepy eyes turn sad, something that showed the gap between her past and present. It wasn’t the first time the memories started her day….wasn’t gonna be the last time either. Reality slapped her harder on the face where the cold winds striked…she stood in the balcony…..helpless, hugging herself with both hands….her cheeks hurt with cold…more with the numbness of the tears…..she closed her eyes and dreamt away……
Winter mornings were not always like this, they usually started the same way…with the cell phone ringing ..but never alarm, HE called up…right at 6.30a.m-
“mmmmmm”
“hmmmmm, uth jao”
“paanch minute”
“utho”
“pleeasssseeee”
“abhiiii”
“………….nah!!”
“5 ghante mai exam hai, 4 chapters baki hai”
“toh?”
“toh kuch nahi, exam bura dogi, fail karogi, phir mere hi paas ake royogi”
“toh??”
“toh kuch nahi under-graduate reh jayogi”
“toh??”
“toh job nahi milega”
“toh???”
“toh illiterate and under-graduate is not a good combination”
“works for you kya??”
“as long as it’s you, anything works for me”
**silence**
“phir se so gayi”
“….nahi”
“toh??”
“nothing…..”
“bolo bhi”
“ u meant it??”
“every word”
“always??”
“beyond that”
“promise?”
“cross my heart and hope to die”
“you made my day”
“you made my life”
“ohkaaayyyyyyy!! I am totally awake now”
**laughs**
“chalo then, m off to study….cya”
“suno toh…”
“ha”
“will call you 5 minutes to exam, kal pehle hi cell phone switch off kar di thi..”
“oh ha!! Sorry”
“anyways, best of luck and…..”
“and….??”
“phir se so mat jana”
“hmmmmmm”
“bye”
“bye.”
(pause)
“……rakha nahi tumne phone”
“I called up, you wanted to study…you disconnect”
“love you”
“finalllllyyyy!! Love you too”
This was one of the many conversations she told me about…, one of the many things she misses….one of the many things that still hurts. She was always a good student, topping and giggling through classes which distributed exam sheets…as I passed her nasty looks- the lengths to which that over-confident brat irritated me. I remember telling her to talk low over the phone as she screamed with enthusiasm providing him with every single detail- by how many marks she beat whom ,and which bitch was shown their original place by her…I remember tagging her as ‘selfish’..that was before I knew how badly she wanted the scores.
I heard of the Skater Boy from Avril Lavigne, she was the Skater Girl…who slogged to match up to the standards of her IIT’ian guy. I almost died laughing the day she told me,
“arey padhna zaruri hai yaar, job nahi mila toh uska haath kaise mangungi”
“do you realize, tum ladki ho…tum haath nahi mang sakti?? He packs big grands from that MNC upar se bahar rehta hai, haath who mangega pagal”
“Nahi yaar, you don’t realize…He has proved his worth, I should prove that I deserve him, nahi??? Soch mai BMW 7 series se uthrungi, Manish Malhotra ki saree pehenke, aur uske papa ke paas jayungi and bolungi, Sir…. I don’t know if I am worth your son or not, but I promise I would keep him the happiest….so would you help me to marry him???”.
I awwwwwed and ooohhhed at her awesome speech……..such unrealistic she was!! Yet beyond the laughter’s we shared, I realised how much she wanted him….and more than that her insecurity of being worth him.
She off course still scores… and I search in vain the giggling part of her…she misses the ‘sharing part with him’…she never said, I felt.
She was a weird combination of temper and sensitiveness. I liked it- a little thing out of place and there she went hyper…a little word misspoken- the puppy eyes went teary and the solution to all- ‘HIM’. I found it cute the way she shared the most tiniest of things with him, I felt jealous for not having any particular ‘him’ in my life for sharing such simplicities. I could hear sides of the conversation-
‘hello’
‘kuch nahi hua hai’
‘bola na, kuch nahi’
‘aise hi baat karni thi’
‘mai ro nahi rahi hu’
‘mai nahi ro rahi hu’
And then she went all teary ‘why do I have to be here?? Why cant I be there with you? Mujhe nahi rehna yaha ‘
‘Take me away from here, abhiiiiii…yaha ke log bahot gande hai….” Blah blah and the conversation went…..
I sat next to her and watch the tears turns into smile, the pink nose get back to the fair skin tone….as she disconnected the call telling me ‘chal sale ko dekhte hai’
It was just the other day, some of those bastards she calls friends told her something…I turned to shout at them, but she held me. I walked with her in silence to the nearest desolate place. She took out her cell phone and scrolled through the phone-book, I was unsure, she wasn’t…as the names went down I saw the water trickling down faster, I held her hand which she scoffed in nano-seconds. I never knew she actually kept his previous number alive paying the bills- obviously it had this personalized voice message, kept just for her, “Hey, its me!! I know you need me now and I am right there, just leave a message, and I promise to get by you…soon”. And as I sat awestruck, she did the unthinkable….She had a conversation in a silent voice mail box, the same one I have heard before. I am hardly what you can call sensitive, but if I was….I would have shed a tear or two. I just sat there and watch her cry….helplessly!!
I gathered she must have done this more often over the years, every time some piece of shit tried pulling her a bit down, later she told me, “It’s on days like this, I miss him the most, I miss the concern, I miss the hugs, I miss the snuggle, I miss him… I miss US”…I silently patted her back.
Every girl loves chocolates, she likes coffee more (no wonder, meri dost hai ). It was one of those days when instead of having the coffee she kept staring at it. I gave one of those encouraging smiles, as I knew the same as she was thinking. He used to stay outside the country for maximum parts of the year, further with she coming to a new city to study, it was rarely that they met. I found this one real cute when she told me. Apparently it once happened that when he called up from Exetor, U.K. she was busy attending to a cup of coffee-
“Hmmmmm, suno na thodi der baad call karo”
“hadh hai!! I am making an international call, do u realize?”
“Arey I know na baba, that’s why I am saying…”
“Saying what?”
“I am making coffee, I cant talk now”
“I want to have it”
“So have it”
“With you”
“not possible”
“will catch u in a minute”
“suno toh”
**Disconnected**
He texted in between and asked her not to have the coffee, till he calls up, she waited.
Finally the call came in 10 minutes….
“meri coffee thandi ho gayi”
“meri garam hai”
“matlab??”
“matlab, switch on your web cam, we are having a COFFEE DATE!!”
And 5 minutes to that, two fb status claimed “Coffee’s never tasted better “
I heard they have had loads of coffee and movie dates like this. It makes me wonder, they say long distance relationships are tough, it was through them I saw a new dimension of madness, “mad and made for each-other” or were they really???
I remember these one’s in particular, cause I saw those eyes turning from twinkles to hollow, I heard the excitement in her voice but never missed the lump in her throat….I just looked into her, passed a wry smile to say “it will pass”. That’s the best I could do.
I have seen her through the years, retrieving from worst to the worse. She thinks she is weak, but that’s the strongest I have seen. Putting up that perfect dress with a bright face, laughing at those jokes, going out for movies, attending parties, as much as anniversaries…even ironically rumors of her new crushes- she makes up the perfect disguise, except for those eyes. They think she has moved on, may be in life- away from herself, from what she was- but definitely not from him. Most of her day goes good…except for the parts when those things happen, those little moments revive…. When she slips between the sheets in the wee hours of night turning her back to me….pretending to sleep…as I sense the muffled sobs. replaying through her brain every minute details and wondering where it went wrong…..or what were those words she misunderstood, finally convincing her way to sleep make-believing that someday she’s gonna wake up to find him waiting at her door. The Acceptance awaits…
